X-ray machine. Pat down. Any liquids?
Laptop? Charging device, battery, ipad, samurai sword?
You have no rights behind this line, not in the air, and certainly not while you wait to board the tin can. Understood?
Good, now take you bag to that guy with gloves. You accidentally packed contraband, or you did it on purpose, (which is what I think) but either way, we’ll find it. So, get over there and he’ll unpack that bag you took 45 minutes to finally get shut after you packed, re-packed, and double-checked to make sure you wouldn’t have to meet the guy with the gloves. I’m sure you don’t mind stuffing all your carefully folded items in your suitcase in the most stressful environment we could create, do you? Do you mind?
Good. Have a nice flight.
I’m sorry, sir, your carry on is too big. Would you mind checking it in? We’ll certainly not lose it *cough *cough but-we-might *cough *cough. Did you make sure to pack all your “Absolutely, under no circumstance can these get lost otherwise your vacation will be ruined” items in it? Perfect. Let me lose that for you.
Ladies and gentleman, now that your crammed in close enough to count the neck hairs on the stranger next to you, I’ll forget to turn on the A/C while we wait on the melting tarmac for the next hour. One of the baggage handlers threw a suitcase so hard it nicked the fuselage. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure that whoever designs airplanes allowed for surface imperfections… or not, but hey, we’ll find out, right? Anyway, just sweat-tight, we’ll be out of here in exactly the amount of time it takes for you to drip-through the one pair of underwear you have left. How does that sound?
Great news, it seems like signing 57 pages of paperwork did the trick. The plane is magically fixed, right as rain, or so I’m told. That guy seemed trustworthy enough. We’ll be taking off momentarily. Speaking of rain, if we had taken off on time we’d have missed that massive storm that now seems to now be engulfing our flight path. I hope ya’ll like roller coasters, ’cause this will be a ride to remember. Been holding that pee for the last two hours and feel like you’ll explode? Don’t even think about touching that seat belt. It’s a federal offense to leave your seat while we’re on the runway. Enjoy the options: get tackled, tazed and end up on the news, or, wet yourself.